reblog - via lightedss-deactivated20180424 -

7 years ago with 1,245 notes

“

IN THIS LIFE we talk a lot on the phone about meeting halfway between San Fransisco and Baltimore.

IN ANOTHER LIFE we shack up in a hotel room on the Kansas/Nebraska border, spend three entire days with the curtains drawn and the lights off and your mouth on my mouth. We drink and sleep and fuck until we are both sore. I can’t think of anything more important than the taste of you. It almost doesn’t matter that this is Kansas. It almost doesn’t matter that we are holed up in some hotel room like people on the run. It almost doesn’t matter that it is only temporary.

IN THIS LIFE we both have dreams about airports and in mine, I am always running towards you; and in yours, you are always waiting.

IN ANOTHER LIFE we get an airport scene. Brief, and technically outside, but still an airport scene. I am on a return trip from Australia and instead of having a layover at SFO before heading back to BWI, I just stay in California. I collect my baggage from customs and skip the last leg of my trip home. You pick me up at the arrivals area. You wear that red, plaid scarf. It feels right, being in your passenger seat. It reminds me of being on the phone with you, all those long calls you’d make from the road. And we are so hesitant to touch each other. Worried about breaking that bubble that has existed for so long. I don’t know if I want your hand in my hand or your fingers in my mouth. It is so hard to figure out where to start.

IN THIS LIFE you move to London for work. We stay up nights talking about how it can’t end like this, how the goal of a long distance relationship isn’t adding more distance. I book a ticket to come see you. You stand me up in a coffee shop. You say it’s too hard. You won’t tell me what is too hard.

IN ANOTHER LIFE we sit across from each other in a Costa in London. And I know, I know, there are so many small coffee shops and cute cafes in London but I don’t know my way around that well and I pick something easy. You have coffee. I have chai tea. We spend a lot of time fiddling awkwardly with our cups. Sugar packets. Napkins. Anything to not talk. It is hard to sit there across from you after six years and not know the way this conversation is going to go. I want to climb across the table and bury my face in your neck. I settle for small talk. How’s the job? How’s the commute? How’s the flat? It is stiff at first and I can’t stop touching my hair. I want to be perfect. I want to be the way you’ve built me up to be in your head. When you call me Swiss Miss, I just look at you and start laughing.

IN THIS LIFE when you find out that you’re sick, you wait for a long time to tell me. You wait too long. We waste so much time. We spend too many days apart. I don’t tell you that I love you enough. I tell you a lot, but not enough. You are trying to do the right thing when you cut me out. You are trying to cause me as little pain as possible. You are sparing me long nights spent at the hospital and months of crying and worry. You say it will be easier this way but it is not easier.

IN ANOTHER LIFE I wake up in your bed. It’s early. You are trying to get up without waking me. You smile apologetically and tell me to go back to sleep. I beg you to stay in bed with me. There’s something that just feels so good about knowing you’re near me. Something safe. Something comforting. You lay back down, let me put my head on your chest. Neither of us fall back asleep.

IN ANOTHER LIFE we argue over the grocery list and your hips are always in close proximity to my hips.

IN ANOTHER LIFE you don’t take my choice away from me.

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“IN THIS LIFE/IN ANOTHER LIFE” Trista Mateer (via tristamateer)